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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25515472">Grayscale</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_rosegold/pseuds/black_rosegold'>black_rosegold</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Just life, I suppose [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Downton Abbey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied/Referenced Suicide, the writer wasn’t feeling great so Thomas isn’t feeling great, vent - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:20:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>720</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25515472</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_rosegold/pseuds/black_rosegold</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Thomas isn’t fine.</p><p>Sometimes all he wants is to be able to breath.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Just life, I suppose [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1981097</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Grayscale</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was a quick vent for me (I’m fine now) but the content is a bit heavy so if you feel like you might be triggered please don’t read - look after yourselves &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thomas slid down to the cool tile floor, drawing his legs up to his chest. The door rattled behind him as he moved against it, the sound echoing in his head.</p><p>He’d been stupid to think it would offer an escape. That somehow the walls of the room could block out the feelings and he could leave the rest of the world outside a wooden door.</p><p>Instead it followed him. Trailing him like a shadow, gripping his chest with the strength of a beast’s maw.</p><p>At least the voices were quiet today. No more screams that no one else could hear.</p><p>So why could he still not breathe? With every onerous inhale, the weight on his chest grew heavier, strangling the air. He was trapped, bound to the earth to wander from moment to moment, listless and unblinking like an animated corpse. Everyday was a reminder that he wasn’t really living, he was merely existing, viewing the world in grayscale.</p><p>The sleeves of his shirt were pulled up just enough to reveal the thin white lines of his failure. His failure to be fine. He tugged the sleeves back down, clutching them with his fingers.</p><p>It was a marvel, how easy it had become for him to slip on a pretend smile, fake joy in his voice. But as was the way of things, time had caused the facade to crack.</p><p>He was so tired. So damn tired.</p><p>His stomach felt sick and empty, like he’d been screaming for so long and he’d finally lost his voice. Hands grabbed at the sides of his head, tugging at hair past the point where it hurt. He longed to scream, claw out his insides, do anything to ease the ache in his chest.</p><p>It was a numbness that held him down so why did he still feel in pain? He was cracking, ripping at the seams. A void imploding in on itself until the darkness had destroyed it all.</p><p>
  <em>When?</em>
</p><p>The question bounced around his mind.</p><p>
  <em>When will it stop hurting?</em>
</p><p>If he just clung to the hope that it would one day stop, he’d be fine. He’d get better and no one would ever have to notice.</p><p>It had to get better. It just had to.</p><p>Maybe if he just let himself fade away from the world it would just stop. The ache. The numbness. All gone.</p><p>A gentle rap on the door.</p><p>“Love? Can I come in?” There was that tiny bit of panic in the voice as it spoke.</p><p>
  <em>Great, now he’s worried.</em>
</p><p>Richard shouldn’t be worried. He was fine. He should be fine.</p><p>The door shook again as Richard joined him, leaning against the other side of the door, about an inch away. He didn’t say anything more.</p><p>
  <em>Good, he shouldn’t be wasting his breath.</em>
</p><p>The seconds passed by like time itself was wading through oil, thick and black, slow and unending. It was like he was standing in the dark and a shock was needed to turn back on the lights.</p><p>“Thomas?” A tiny spark. The lights flickered for a moment. It was long enough.</p><p>He took a breath, drawing in as much air as he could. And then another. From where he sat, he turned the lock and pulled himself to rest against the bath instead. Richard eased the door open. Thomas searched his face for any pity. There was none.</p><p>The door clicked shut again. He came to sit beside him on the floor. Thomas buried his head between his knees. The lights had gone out and he’d been plunged back into darkness.</p><p>Words had abandoned him so he said nothing when Richard placed a reassuring arm around his waist. But he didn’t find himself shy away at the touch. Something inside him began to break and fracture, to reveal what was raw and bleeding. It was something he couldn’t let Richard see.</p><p>But God he was tired of hiding. When would the time come for him to stop pretending?</p><p>Instead he let himself collapse into the embrace, burying his face in Richard’s shoulder.</p><p>
  <em>Just for a moment.</em>
</p><p>A few tears hurried down his cheeks. He could breathe a little easier now. A momentary release.</p><p>“I’m here. I’ve got you.”</p><p>Still, it wasn’t enough. The grayscale didn’t fade. No colour seeped back into the world.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Edit: If anyone’s come back to this you might find the ending is a bit different. Upon rereading I felt as though I was bordering on romanticising mental illness which was not my intention at all, so I altered it slightly to avoid that impression. Sorry if anyone felt this way previously.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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